Why I'm Done with "Fake it 'Til you Make it"

Can I be real for a second??

This last week I've felt more anxiety and overwhelm than normal. Especially Wednesday. . .I woke up with a thick heaviness over my mind and Spirit. I could feel I was fighting something and I just didn't know what it was.

This season of life has been so sweet, and so much to take in. New travels, new relationships, new career moves, new community, new city, new living situation, new challenges. And I have been enjoying it so so much! I am actually the kind of person who thrives under change. The adventure of it excited me and I love the challenge of trying something new and exciting.

I realized something this week though. . .

I've been under the yoke of faking it until I make it, which I TOTALLY am!! And I believe sometimes as we step out in faith, we have to muster up a little confidence, even if we have no IDEA what we're doing. In stepping out in faith, we cross the barrier from doing it in our own strength to stepping out into total dependence on God.

But what I came to realize this week, is I've been putting so much pressure on myself to be a "certain way" or have all the answers when people ask me "So, what are you doing now?" "What do you do for work?" "How did you decide to move to San Diego" And my personal favorite. . .

"I am still trying to understand what it is you do. . ."

My answer to those questions is: I have no Idea what I am doing and I am still trying to understand what it is I do. I am forsaking all understanding I thought I had and trusting the Lord with all my heart.

Currently: I'm in process. Somewhere between where the Lord has delivered me from and what He is calling me into.

And here’s the deal: I hope I don’t have it all figured out ever. I hope to live a life where I am constantly experience more communion with Jesus, more revelation of my purpose. A greater understanding of how the Spirit is working in my life and at large in the world around me.

And that's something I don't think we leave enough space for on social media. It’s so easy for us to believe that just because we see so much of other’s highlights on social media that either 1. We’re the only one’s who don’t have it all figured out and 2. We judge so harshly those who we deem as having it all figured out when they show us a side that’s not perfectly polished. The reality is, we're all in process. Even your favorite leader/celebrity/pastor is in process. None of us have it figured out.

So let's start to make space for the process. Let's become MVPs (mature, vulnerable people) who boldly embrace being in process and have deep compassion for those in process around us. Can we become people who in light of the weaknesses of those around us choose to love. To see someone’s weaknesses and to love them in that is something we are seldom taught how to do.

It’s the John 15 life. A life of total dependence on Him as he makes us more and more into his image. This is why I love the picture of a vineyard. I recently heard a podcast with some of my favorite intellectuals: Matthias J Barker and John Mark Comer. In this podcast they were talking about the idea that a life in communion with Jesus as it relates to John 15 is one where we become so dependent on Christ that we do not even truly know where we end and He begins. This doesn’t make us God- like in any way, rather it proves us to be godly. bearing the fruit of the image of the one who put us on this planet.

And in light of that, I'm releasing the pressure to have it all figured out, to craft the perfect message and the perfect word. To have the absolute correct theology in my mind before I speak from my heart and share the messages that have been being molded for so long. I recognize that the fear of messing up in the public eye is not one I am willing to tolerate anymore. It’s not one I choose to walk in anymore. Rather, I will fully embrace my testimony and my calling, I will continue to walk in the power, love and Sound Mind I have been given through Jesus.

At some point we all have to decide we're going to be obedient to where the Spirit is leading us. We have to stop looking all around and look up, fixing our eyes on Jesus as we humbly work out our salvation. This is the ultimate success, to experience a life so deeply rooted in our Creator that we cannot sustain life without His breath in our lungs.

And how beautiful is it that God chooses to use messy and broken people who are in process to reveal His glory. That as we grow in our depth and understanding of who he is, we learn to see that He is the one working through us. He is weaving moments of intimacy and intricate details in our stories that have his fingerprint on it and point others back to Him. I don't feel worthy of that. In fact, in my own strength there is NO WAY I'm worthy.

In my own strength, I get overwhelmed, I stress out out my finances, I make decisions based on my own understanding instead of what the Spirit is leading me toward. In my own strength I succumb to unhealthy habits as I try to must up enough of my own strength to do God's will. My own strength aims to figure out and name and manipulate when situations don’t seem to be going the way I had planned them.

But as I operate in HIS Strength, I learn that He is the one seated high on the throne. He is the one who is working through me. In this process I simply become a funnel, taking in all of his love, mercy & revelation as I am poured out where he has called me. and in all of this, His strength somehow feels much lighter than my strength. In His strength, I find true joy and perfect peace.

As I mentioned above, I love John 15, it is possibly my most favorite chapter in the Bible. Whenever I feel stagnant in my relationship with Jesus, I read this chapter over and over again as I remind myself that He is ultimately my life source. He is constantly pruning me, and yes, even the branches in my life that bear fruit, he cuts back so that I can bear EVEN MORE fruit!

How humbling it is that the creator of the universe would choose me to be used for more glory and more fruit bearing in His kingdom. This is the life he has for you: he doesn't want your works, or your phony smile, and your self righteous attitude. He wants YOU and your heart to be all in for Him.

All my Love,

Hailey